Ahhhh . . . If only I were the Old Spice Guy!
Just this past week I received an e-mail with the heading “Viagra: we have a gorgeous selection” suggesting that my manly prowess may not be all it could be. Funny, I never used to receive these e-mails with such frequency prior to crossing the half-century mark . . .
Besides a flaccid libido, based on the other electronic notifications I am receiving through e-mail, Facebook connections and in general from the virtual realms of You’re Not Good Enough, Not Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Hate You!, it is becoming quite clear that I somehow went off the track. But where?
Then it hit me, I need to be less like Elmer Fudd and more like the guy on the Old Spice Commercials!
Think about how grand my life would become if only I could seamlessly transition from being on a yacht to riding horseback in the blink of an eye?
But how . . . how do I take that first bold step towards fulfilling my destiny for living a life where I could take off my shirt without having one of my kids ask me why my belly button is so deep and scary?
According to the commercial, it all starts with how you smell, or in my case how you don’t smell. Side note, do not believe all that you read about those Dr. Scholl’s scented insoles!
Of course arriving at this point of scented bliss means that I will now have to shower more than once a week . . . okay month, but whose counting. Then there is that brushing of teeth thing. Hmmm . . . I wonder if this transformation to becoming the masculine ideal extends to other areas beyond personal hygiene?
For example, will I now have to get rid of my underarm vented T-Shirts? What about my briefs which are little more than an elastic waistband with remnant fabric strips hanging down? And what’s up with using a fork AND A knife to eat?
I suppose that I will now have to get a job to pay for this stuff too! I wonder if Unemployment will give me a raise . . . after all I am on my way to becoming a new man?!?
Well, it’s almost noon so I better get up and implement the make me a better me plan. Of course I will have to eat lunch first. Then my favorite soap is on and, let’s not forget about my afternoon nap. Isn’t it amazing how quickly a day can slip by when you are busy?
Oh well, tomorrow is another day . . .