Ahhhh . . . If only I were the Old Spice Guy!

Just this past week I received an e-mail with the heading “Viagra: we have a gorgeous selection” suggesting that my manly prowess may not be all it could be.  Funny, I never used to receive these e-mails with such frequency prior to crossing the half-century mark . . .

Besides a flaccid libido, based on the other electronic notifications I am receiving through e-mail, Facebook connections and in general from the virtual realms of You’re Not Good Enough, Not Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Hate You!, it is becoming quite clear that I somehow went off the track.  But where?

Then it hit me, I need to be less like Elmer Fudd and more like the guy on the Old Spice Commercials!

Think about how grand my life would become if only I could seamlessly transition from being on a yacht to riding horseback in the blink of an eye?

But how . . . how do I take that first bold step towards fulfilling my destiny for living a life where I could take off my shirt without having one of my kids ask me why my belly button is so deep and scary?

According to the commercial, it all starts with how you smell, or in my case how you don’t smell.  Side note, do not believe all that you read about those Dr. Scholl’s scented insoles!

Of course arriving at this point of scented bliss means that I will now have to shower more than once a week . . . okay month, but whose counting.  Then there is that brushing of teeth thing.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if this transformation to becoming the masculine ideal extends to other areas beyond personal hygiene?

For example, will I now have to get rid of my underarm vented T-Shirts?  What about my briefs which are little more than an elastic waistband with remnant fabric strips hanging down?  And what’s up with using a fork AND A knife to eat?

Goofy Face man

What I look like now

I suppose that I will now have to get a job to pay for this stuff too!  I wonder if Unemployment will give me a raise . . . after all I am on my way to becoming a new man?!?

Goofy Face After Ryan Reynold's

What I look like now

Well, it’s almost noon so I better get up and implement the make me a better me plan.  Of course I will have to eat lunch first.  Then my favorite soap is on and, let’s not forget about my afternoon nap.  Isn’t it amazing how quickly a day can slip by when you are busy?

Oh well, tomorrow is another day . . .


3 Responses to “Ahhhh . . . If only I were the Old Spice Guy!”
  1. Hilarious Jon! One thing about ‘Old Spice’. Nice name, nice bottle. Offensive to the olfactory region. Clever marketing managed to over come the point of the product.

    • I remember doing an interview with Fox’s Marketing Doctor, Dr. John Tantillo who retold the story of a beer company in the 1960s whose advertising campaign was amazing. Shortly after the adds hit the market, the sales for the beer hit the roof.

      Unfortunately, and as the good Dr. recounted the event, the beer tasted awful and shortly thereafter the brewer went out of business. So what does this tell us about Old Spice . . . and BRUT . . . our standards of sensory perception in terms of men’ cologne have been lowered 😉

      Of course, and for those who are familiar with smoking, there are often the same ubiquitous brands that we all seem to start with in terms of first time usage. In cigarettes I was an Export A man . . . of course I quite more than 20 years ago . . . as a teenager, BRUT was the first after shave I used (although Aqua Velva, which is still sold in the “finer” drugstores today was an alternative). I guess this is how our collective standards are subliminally lowered, how else can you explain away the product’s enduring presence?

      Since my early 30s, I have been a “T” Fan from by Tommy Hilfiger.

  2. Interesting. Sincerely though. I think Old Spice wreaks of a stench similar to a pungent nauseating sea spray. Although i know different scents smell different on different people. The other scents you mentioned smell fine. The beer story was interesting, there are a lot of products on the market that have had endured that are inferior, marketing, marketing! I am a smoker. Congratulations on quitting by the way. When going to Canada, i would purchase Players. I think in Canada they call a pack of smokes a ‘deck’. When i went to Canada a few years ago, i had an interesting time while purchasing a deck. Sometime in the future i will share this with you as it was hilarious. I love Canada. Please understand! Yes T. smells nice straight from the bottle. I understand the underlying premise of your writing. Imagine what women put up with as well. The ‘wrinkle creams’ the weight loss (constantly) the surgery. All in this quest for youth. Instead of a quest for health, which we may have to work harder towards as we age. I am proud of my wrinkles and lines. Aging is a wondrous. I think it’s something we should celebrate and be happy about. Our quest for youth is not necessary. There is nothing wrong with being old or older. The only thing i find frustrating at my age is when one’s mind becomes atrophied. There is something to be said for wisdom, however, knowledge and the quest for growing in this way, to me, personally, is worth more than any youth serum. Nice article Jon!

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