Starbucks Blended Coffee and Seinfeld’s Muffin Stumps

I am sure that we all remember the Seinfeld episode in which “Rebecca De Mornay” storms in on Elaine and her former Pendant Publishing Boss Mr. Lippman, who has just opened a bakery named ‘Top of the muffin to you!’ that sells only the tops of muffins.

Ms. De Mornay who heads up a homeless shelter is upset because Lippman has left bagfuls of muffin stumps at the shelter and wants to know where the tops are?

Like those unwanted muffin stumps, I opened my cupboard this morning to discover that one shelf was cluttered with the remnants of innumerable packages of Starbucks 8 oz coffee bags.  This would not be a problem of course if they were all of the same variety.

Unfortunately, and through a combination of overwhelming choice and deep discount prices – the local drug store, that’s right drug store sells Starbucks coffee at half price – I have ended up buying everything from the Breakfast Blend to Caffe Verona to Sumatra.

Over the months I have traveled the coffee world so to speak, but like a bad case of jet lag, the consequences of my in-discretionary sampling is the abundance of the aforementioned unused and unusable remnants.

That’s when it hit me . . . blended coffee!  Like the finely blended Johnnie Walker Blue Label Scotch I used to drink with a good cigar in my younger days, why not blended coffee?  A kind of America meets Italy meets India accord that will take you on a whirlwind journey of taste.

I can see it now, my picture on an 8 oz Hansen’s Blend Starbucks coffee bag!  Mom and Dad would be proud.

Like a seasoned distiller who has honed his craft to perfection, I meticulously measure the scoops from each bag until I reach my coffee maker’s 8 cup maximum limit.  Adding only filtered water, I then complete the process by pressing the “on” switch, and anxiously await my cup of caffeine immortality.  Can you hear the triumphant music playing in the background, or smell the distinctive aroma of a new coffee day?

Finally after what seems like an interminable amount of time, my creation is now ready to be sampled.

Not wanting to dilute the brew’s natural flavors, I pass on my usual milk and two sugars opting instead to experience the full force of my genius.  I take a sip and . . .

So I am in the car driving to the local Tim Hortons to get my first cup of a simple, single blend morning coffee.

Coffee Paradise Lost!

In the meantime, note to the local homeless shelter . . . don’t be surprised to find a bag full of the remnants of 8 oz Starbucks coffee packages to enjoy with your muffin stumps.


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  • Books Written by Jon Hansen

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